It’s hard to tell if it’s day or night now. The two have become blurred, merged into one, no longer telling me the time. I guess the days just become similar, and when nothing particularly anything at all is happening, there isn’t the need to.
I surprise myself with how much I’ve been sleeping lately. That’s all I do and yet I seem to have a never-ending supply of exhaustion. If I reach into my throat and pull out what’s in me, like a magician doing a trick with colourful kerchief’s, there would be an endless stream of nothing. That seems to be the best way to describe how I’m feeling now. Sometimes, words just don’t cut it.
To pass the time and keep my mind off the world burning, I’ve been binge-watching Avatar: The Last Airbender. And I think it’d be so much easier if the world was divided by just those elements Air, Earth, Fire and Water. No doubt there’d be wars just like in the series, but aren’t we having them now? What an easy way out that would be, to find peace. All we need to do is find balance between all the elements. What a precious thing to be fit into a box, of knowing your element, your tribe. This world is so frustratingly gray, with no right answers and a million perspectives. I think every child growing up dreams to be a hero, being the chosen one or at least being a main character. These days, I’ve become increasingly aware that most of us don’t have the chops for such stuff. We’re just in the background, villagers that either suffer or help the heroes along their way. And I think I’m okay with that. I’d just like to know what tribe I belong in. What medium I think, breathe and exist in.
It’d be a miracle if I could wake up and not feel like I want to collapse within myself, much less become a heroine of any story. I’d like to find comfort in knowing what power I possess or if I possess any at all. No matter the dangers Aang, Katara and Sokko find themselves in, I can’t help but think of how much easier their world seems to be. 2020 has shown itself to be a deadly, deadly year and I’m tired. Tired of waking up to news of thousands dying, of pandemics, of people having to fight for a right that should be theirs. There really isn’t any point to all of this at all, or even a point to this post. I’m just exhausted and tired of feeling like I have to fight myself and everything everyday.
But what’s going to change? I’m trying to chase down shadows and cage them, a mission as futile as trying to make myself feel better. Everyone always think theres an answer, or at least try to give me one. Do they not have their own shadows to chase? How come it seems like they’ve managed to cage theirs or have none at all. Whatever it is, maybe fighting my shadows shouldn’t be the answer. Maybe to be whole, I have to learn to live with my shadows first.
But I’d still like to say that if I have to pick one, I’d like to be in the water tribe.
hiraeth 